There is more than one way to be a Mother

It's Mother's Day! I probably won't see my son today because it's his fathers weekend and we stick to the schedule. But it's all good. I'm used to it, and in any case, I feel like I am a mother in so many different ways.

So this Mother's Day, if you are feeling some type of way, I want to offer a different lens—one that honours all the ways we mother beyond biology. Because

• Some of us don’t have mothers in our lives.
• Some of us are mothers but don’t feel celebrated.
• Some of us never had children—but have mothered more people than we can count.
• And some of us are trying to re-mother ourselves.

I’ve been thinking about this idea a lot, especially because I keep being asked, no doubt due to my age, if I want more children.* We often think of motherhood as something that begins with birth. But many of us mother without ever having children. We mother our friends. We mother our inner child. We mother our work, our ideas, our lovers, our communities.

There’s more than one way to be a mother.

• You don’t have to give birth to create life.
• You don’t have to breastfeed to nourish someone’s soul.
• You don’t have to stay up all night with a baby to be someone’s emotional home.
  

Once we’ve met our basic needs—Maslow’s bottom tier of food, water, shelter, sleep, safety—What we’re really craving is a mothering energy that allows us to reach self actualisation. Someone who can offer what I now think of as mothering no matter what the blood connection.

I am not a perfect mother, we all rarely are, but I know what my mothering goals are, and even when I fall off the wagon, I know how to get back to a place where my son and I are in sync, and you can do this in all of your relationships...You can be a mother by striving to...

1. Create safety

Be the space someone can fall apart in. A home isn’t just four walls—it’s how you feel when you’re inside it. That’s mothering. Let people be their truest self around you.

2. Let them know you like them.

Not just love. Like. Admiration. Delight. “I enjoy who you are.” This is one of the most healing things you can ever say to someone. I remember always thinking - love you is such an overused phrase as a parent. I often tell my son that I enjoy his company and being around him.

3. Let them know it’s okay to fail.

All kids go through their "sore loser" phase. Praise when someone handles their failures well. Encourage failures as a learning mechanism. You don’t have to fix everything, but you can model how to survive disappointment. Let failure live in the room without shame.

4. Be physically affectionate.

Touch is powerful. And it’s missing from so many adult lives. A hug, a hand on the back, a forehead kiss—it all counts. When my son no longer slept in my bed or held my hand I was devastated! I hope he comes back to the hugs soon, but because I always held him close as a baby, I think he feels safe to be independent.

5. Be okay when they’re ready to leave you.

Which brings me to my final and current place; let them be their own person. This is the final act of true mothering: letting go. Not because you don’t care, but because you trust they’ll fly. Whether it's an employee at work, a protege, a friend who has achieved an adult life stage and is "leaving" you, let them go. As I keep being told while my son is in his teenage phase: They'll come back when they're ready.

This Mother’s Day, I’m honouring all the ways I’ve been mothered by friends, mentors, strangers, aunties. I’m honouring all the ways I mother my son. And I’m honouring the parts of myself that I’ve learned to mother—especially the girl who didn’t always feel safe or seen.

If you’ve ever created safety, given softness, shown someone how to grow—you’ve already mothered. And if I've ever mothered you - thank you for the privilege.

There’s more than one way to be a mother. And maybe, in your own way, you already are.

*For the record, I would love big family, but I also like my life atm. I hope to meet a partner who already has some children I can be part of, or I might adopt in later life. I'd also be up for adult adoption like the Romans.